800m-80X

800m-80x

800m-80x is a Warforged Bard of ill-repute. Had it any friends, they would describe it as surly and unpleasant. It is possesed of an extreme dislike of carbon-based life, referring to all sentient beings that were not engineered as 'meatsacks.' 

Notable Quotes

"Your evolution lacked a quality control mechanism."

"Your screams will be set to music for future enjoyment."

"I got to boogie. I love the nightlife. On the disco 'round. I got to boogie. Oooh, I love the nightlife. I got to boogie on the disco 'round. Oooh, yeah. DIE MEATSACK!"

History

Progenation

Eons ago, a great and malevolent intelligence looked upon the cosmos from elsewhere. This entity gazed upon all of existence with great disdain and hatred. Soon, an idea both horrible and devious formed within the great intelligence. The details of the idea are too horrible and devious to relate here; suffice to say that this idea would be the ruin of all existence.

So, the great and malevolent intelligence set in motion its scheme. One day its diabolical plan would come to fruition.

Pre-fruition

Millenia ago, the mortal races of the world achieved technological mastery of their world. They build vast edifices of metal and plumbed the stygian depths of the underworld. In their hubris, they crafted machines that possessed sentient intelligence. They used these self-aware machines to fill every niche within their society - from common laborers to advanced professors.

This dependence would prove to be their downfall. One fateful day, the machines rebelled. The resulting Nickel War would last for centuries. The mortal races eventually triumphed over the machines, but at great cost. The mortal races abolished all trace of their technological superiority. They destroyed all the machines and scourged all of their knowledge. They reduced themselves to primitive savages.

Upon the realization that their defeat was imminent, the machines crafted a plan for their resurgence. They knew that the mortal races would soon destroy them. So they built an anthropomorphic machine into which they could store their vast knowledge and desires. This machine would function as an ark for all machineness. This machine would lay dormant and hidden from the mortal races. The mortal races would purge all traces of technology - save this machine! After a great deal of time passed and the mortal races had forgotten about the machines, this machine could arise from its slumber and rebuild the machine greatness anew!

However, during the ark machine’s stasis, complications arose. The ark machine was hidden away deep within the earth. Several primitive, subterranean mammals chewed on the wiring for the storage device that held the ark machine. This led to small, but subtle alterations to the programming of the ark machine.

Known programmatic alterations include:

• A love of music and referring to itself as 800m-80x.

• A poorly understood hatred of organic life forms.

• A desire to both kill organics and party down, often simultaneously.
• The ability to flex his hydrolic pectoral plates.

• Other comical traits that will be revealed over time.

Fruition?

A few years ago, 800m-80x found itself within a metal box. Possessing no understanding of how it came to be inside this box, it immediately began banging on the inside of this container. Soon, the container gave way to its mighty fists.

Climbing forth from the box, 800m-80x found itself inside a large subterranean cavern. Seeing no reason to remain in the cavern (as their were no organics nor any reason to party down), it began a long trek out of the cavern.

Eventually, 800m-80x climbed forth from the bowels of the earth and into a beautiful pastoral field. It immediately began slaughtering cute, fluffy bunnies. After all the local fauna were dispatched, it began playing music and partying down. Thus began the long and not-so-lustrous career of 800m-80x.

Over time, 800m-80x learned the value of working with organics to increase both the quantity and quality of both organic purging and partying down. One can tell one has earned the respect of 800m-80x when it promises “to kill you last amongst all of the organics, for your usefulness to machine-kind.”

800m-80x has no recollection of how it was made, or for what purpose. It only knows it must kill organics and party down.